The Bug In My Mind

Lately I have been having bad thoughts. About dying and suffering. I am afraid to be honest. My body became weaker day by day. My brain is not like my brain one or two years ago. I am afraid. What happened to me?

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I Am Scared

I am scared. I am getting further and further. Is there any beautiful soul?Ā I just need one beautiful soul to complete me. Maybe I found that person already, but maybe I left the person for the fake ones. I am so scared.

I am getting further than where I wanna be. I am scared. This seems fake. Everything is strange. The selfishness. The demeanor. It is not one in a beautiful soul has. I am scared.

Thought

Have you cared so much about someone’s opinions? My advice, grow up. Oh hey, reality bites. Either you are doing good or bad, people will keep judging you, talking behind you. No need their opinions on what you are doing. I myself stopped pleasing them.

Human are human. I am human too. We can meet the good ones. We can meet the bad ones. We can meet the beautiful ones. We can meet the ugly ones. Everyone is different.

And this is another thought. Do your best, show them your true colors. Instead of pleasing them, please oh please do what you wanna do. Are you afraid of them judging your new haircut? Are you afraid of they gossip about your new weird but positive hobby? STOP IT, GROW UP. And please stay with the positive ones.

There will always be people who wanna judge you. Who wanna bring you down. Who wanna point your weaknesses to be superior than you. And it’s fine, you gotta chin up. I am here to support you. X.

What I Learnt From Yesterday

  1. Take care of your health. It makes your day worse, if you are in a bad health.
  2. Real friends will be there when you need helps. The fake ones will only leave you suffering.
  3. Keep your mind relaxed a bit or do not overthink.
  4. Write things on your mind.

I can’t talk much, but I think I need to stop thinking too much about people who doesn’t care about me. And I need to stop contacting those kind of people because they are fake ones. They manipulate others to get what they want, and won’t do anything to others. Because they are just like that, manipulative sociopaths. One of them is HK. Lesson learned.

Who I Should Talk To?

I sit in front of my laptop, staring at the old pictures. I miss those days. I miss my purity. I miss the solitude. I miss the space. Things are changing now. I am not like I used to be. My surrounding is not like it used to be. I cried. I yelled. I complained. I shouted. But no one really listens. I am sitting here now. Wishing I could change a lil bit. I am just a broken lady. And no one cares.

Beautiful Soul

Have you ever wondered yourself drawn into a really beautiful soul? I do. Beautiful soul and mind – it is like logically beautiful. Maybe I need to explain what beautiful soul I mean here. I met a person who – I think – has a real beautiful soul. This person doesn’t have enough money, and this person doesn’t mind to share the money to someone who needs it more. Don’t you think it is very beautiful?

More explanation. This person is simply wanting his/her life to be as simple as it could be, even the way he/she thinks is very simple. This person never think way too much about everything. This person just thinks about case A – and after case A there is case B and those cases are simply needed to be considered one in a moment, not thinking too much. This person who thinks about present, never recall past or think too much about future. Simply beautiful. And – I am amazed!

I am wishing to see this beautiful soul again next year šŸ™‚

New Year’s Relections

In the next few hours, it will be 2015. And I am still working on my degree. I met people in 2014 – good and bad, but mostly interesting people. Some got along so well with me, some not. People comeĀ and go. I could feel it, the life that makes me wiser day by day. I just need to be open minded to learn about stuff.

I am closer to my mom. We made a real connection lately. I am always close to her, but this year can be the real good time between me and her. She told so many things, her deepest thoughts, her fears, her sadness. I could only gave my shoulder and wiped her tears. We never had any arguments this year. It is always I listened to her or she understood my needs. We’re completing each other. And I love her. Always.

This year, my uncle passed away. He got heart attacked. He’s the oldest uncle and he’s quite generous, I think. He cared about me. I remembered that moment he told me about the vacancy at the company he worked for. He followed it up, all the tests that I got, he took his time to check my name. It was quite memorable to me. As he was there when I am alone without any friend to talk to about that recruitment things. I miss him. We will miss someone who has passed away at some point in our years. We will die also.

Some guys that I used to be really close left this year. J, the guy I met since 2012, just got back to his hometown in mid of 2014. H, the guy I met in 2013, was moving to Singapore yesterday for work rotation. Those are two initialsĀ that I can’t forget til now. They made special momentos in my heart. They became real friends. They showed up, and thenĀ they left me alone somehow. And I know, this is life.

Also, this year two of my bestfriends are being married. It isĀ not easy for me to answer people around who asks where my boyfriend is. It is also not easy for me to find someone who can be my right partner. Maybe I am too picky. Maybe I think too much. Maybe there are many fears on my head. Maybe I can’t be relax with it. But yes, everyone has their own time, they just need to be certain of what they already decided.

The fireworks, firecrackers, laughs, shouts I just heard outside. And I am home here writing this blog. I promised my mom to stay with her this new year’s eve. My friends asked me out from days ago, but this is what I want. Spending few hours before the 2014 ends at home – with my mom, and just be grateful with things that happened in 2014. The year that I lost things and also learnt more about life. I can’t complain. I just need to be patient and grateful. There is always something brighter than the past I believe.

Talking about resolutions, I don’t really have now. Thou if I need to write it down, it can be a long list. The main goal for me in the next year is just being a better person from this year. Being better is not an instant, not a real fast process. I need to learn day by day. But – I promise myself to be preserverance to change to be better. Small changes in my life. Small steps. Small actions. To be better – instead of making huge resolutions.

Anyway, it’s 3 hours to the 2015. I need to take shower and get ready to just say happy new year to my loved ones. You guys take care and happy new year! šŸ™‚